Put Your Sunglasses On-The Reflection Is Blinding
I have the whitest legs on the planet
Trust me when I say they are so white,
they're almost translucent...
I have always dreamed
of having a golden brown hue...
shimmering like light on the water,
basking in the white sands of Clearwater Beach,
glowing in the moonlight off the Bellair Causeway...
and I have gone to great and stupid lengths
to achieve something that my DNA just won't allow
Like slathering my 12 year old self with Hawaiian Tropic OIL,
circa 1977, and frying myself to a crisp,
more like extra-crispy.. so badly I couldn't walk for a week,
waking up the first morning,
on the bathroom floor,
because the tile floor was cool...
Buying "QT", circa 1980, and applying that caramel foam
to my legs, just my legs, mind you,
leaving the rest of me, pale
and walking around for a week,
oblivious to fact that as the week progressed,
I had patches all over my legs,
that were fading from dark brown,
to orange peel, to pale again...
Once, and only once, lying in a tanning bed,
circa 1983, when tanning beds first showed up,
I didn't tan...but my tongue was neon green for a week,
gamma rays, I guess...
So after numerous visits to the skin doctor
to have things
frozen, sliced, and cut out of my skin,
I have finally realized that my lily-white skin
just doesn't want to be brown...
so, now this is me, yesterday, at the beach...
yep, that's me under the hat, the hat Mark likes to make fun of...
but, just for a moment, yesterday
as I sat on the sands of the Atlantic,
I thought I smelled the faint,
but familiar scent of Hawaiian Tropic
waifing up from between my toes...