Lighting off fireworks on the 4th of July around our house usually goes something like this:
Me: "Okay, are you sure you can get away quickly from the bottle rocket/firecracker/maiming device once you light it?"
Me: "Okay, are you sure that you have a clear path?"
Me: "Wait, wait! Don't light it yet! Your is standing/walking/breathing behind you!"
Me: "Are you sure that bottle rocket/firecracker/maiming device is okay? I mean it looks a little suspicious, like it was manufactured in the 1970's. Are you sure that it's not defective? It looks defective to me. Is it one you saved from last year? Because if it is, I'm sure I remember reading something somewhere that last year a lot of bottle rockets/firecrackers/maiming devices were defective. Do you want me to pull that up on the internet real quick before you light it?"
Me: "Okay, well it will only take me a minute if you change your mind. What about that lighter you're using? That doesn't look safe. You could burn yourself! Wouldn't you like a pack of matches instead? I have plenty.
Me: "Fine, suit yourself. So what kind of bottle rocket/firecracker/maiming device is that? Is it gonna be really loud? Cause you need to tell me if it's gonna be really loud so I can cover my ears. I think the last time you shot one of those off my ears were ringing for a week. Or is it one of those screeching fireworks? Oh, I can't stand those kind! We don't have any of those kind this year do we?"
Me: "That's good! I don't like those kind! Okay, so when are you gonna light that thing? Oh, no! I forgot to get sparklers! I just remembered! Ugh! You guys want to run to the store real quick and get a few packs of sparklers?"
Me: "Well alright then, I guess we just won't have sparklers this year, *sighing*. Alright, so let's get this show on the road! When you gonna light that one? Tell me again, how many do we have to light off this year?Hold up! Did anyone get the garbage can out to put the trash in from the cookout? Wait, where's the dog? If we light these off with Lucy around, she'll have a heart attack! Somebody find the dog! Oh, wait, she's inside. Okay. Is someone's phone going off? Did anyone else hear that? No? Oh, okay. Well, what are we waiting for? Light 'em up guys!"
HSS: "Never mind."